TW - Discussion of trauma and loss. Take a deep breath before reading.
Everybody loves a good origin story, right? It's wildly interesting to know where ideas come from and glimpse another person's perspective. What created these worlds? What molded these characters? What moment of inspiration prompted an entire trilogy to be planned and written?
One word encapsulates the genesis of Creonex: trauma.
I wish I could tell a fantastical tale of a wild journey of discovery - the moment lightning struck and everything fell into place. Life, however, isn't so lovely. Creonex has moments of inspiration and beauty, but it also has themes of grief, trauma, and stark reminders of a dark reality. It's as much of an escape as a reminder that the reader isn't the only one in the world who's experienced pain. There's still a bit before Creonex will be ready for readers to hold, but I believe in transparency. I believe in deep connections as an author to those who will be my readers.
So, here's my story. Here's the parallel to Creonex.
The First Draft
Ah, the crummy selfies on old phones. Someone tell me why I thought the heavy bangs were cute!
The very first version of Creonex to ever exist was written when I was between the ages of thirteen and fourteen years old. At the time, it was roughly 84,000 words. I had the concept of a story figured out, but it wasn't well organized (and poorly written - I was just a child, after all). This was when Hunger Games and Divergent became super popular, and their movies were released. The strong female lead was such an inspiration, yet such a dream.
But I wanted to have that strength. Writing became my refuge, my way of finding strength in the face of adversity.
I came from a home of divorce. Looking back, it was as much a blessing as a curse. This struggle began my passion as a writer - it was just as easy to lose myself in the world of my creation as in the world of another author's book. My mother was also a writer, but her creative work had a much darker beauty. She mainly wrote of her work as a veterinarian (a mix of educational articles and witty anecdotes), and I didn't get the chance to read her creative writing until years after she had died. It was wild, though - as an adult, my writing is so similar to hers.
My mother unconditionally supported me as a writer. I know now that she was fully aware that my writing as a child needed lots of help, but she wanted me to continue to pursue my passion. There was enough stress going back and forth between two parents who couldn't share the same space: I was too young to understand constructive criticism anyway.
The Second Draft
Biggest wig and dress I've ever worn in my life. If I wasn't on stage, I was sitting to give my feet a break!
When Mom died, I was fourteen. Creonex had been completed for about a year, almost two. I turned fifteen less than a month later. After that, I stopped writing for a long time - it was too painful to lose myself in writing that had been shared with her. Mom had become as much a part of the story as I had. She was woven into the pages, and I didn't have the strength to join her again.
Six months afterward, I moved with my father across the country—to a new home, new state, new weather, new culture, and new school. That inspired my writing differently; it was easier to cope with re-reading my manuscript if it was the only reminder of grief. This time, however, I wrote characters. I wrote about people's lives, their emotions, their perspectives, and, most importantly, their pain.
Xiaye, the main character, became someone who knew trauma and grief. Suddenly, she knew what it was like to be alone. She knew what it was like to relive the worst of her experiences, to cry suddenly when overcome with emotions, and to search the world for some hint of beauty. And the characters around her knew pain, too. Their behaviors were manifestations of the traumas they had experienced in war.
But there were also characters like Notien - someone understanding and a friend who offered unexpected solace. Much in the same way I found peace in the first friend I made on the first day at my new school. By the way, I'm still best friends with her now.
The second draft of Creonex was finished when I was sixteen years old. It was 153,000 words. There was a more cohesive story and dynamic characters, but it was still very much "face-value." I had yet to delve too deep into the themes and symbolism, as I was too afraid to even delve that deep into myself.
The Third Draft
The cats aren't quite "in lap", but they're thinking about it
Another long break in my writing occurred. I let the Creonex manuscript rest until I was twenty-one. Between the ages of seventeen and twenty, I was completely survival-driven. I don't vividly remember much of my childhood, only a few things I enjoyed - my writing, my time in musical theater, and my friends.
As a teenager, I had been broken down so thoroughly that I no longer understood the purpose of writing. It wouldn't ever be good enough, so why bother? I was made to believe that despite how hard I tried and worked, I would never be good enough. It's hard to unlearn that teaching when you must go home to it daily.
So, when I met my husband, something remarkable happened. I no longer had to survive on my own. Suddenly, someone was telling me I was good enough. Someone else, someone other than my mother, was telling me to WRITE! He sat me down and said to me that if writing was my dream, pursue it. He got me a laptop, built me a desk, and set it up right next to his gaming computer so I could sit with him while I wrote. And I can't even count on my fingers and toes how many times he's told me how proud he is of my writing (even before it was edited!)
The third draft of Creonex was 194,000 words because I didn't know how to write short stories. I was twenty-two when I finished it, and I cried. The story was cohesive, the characters dynamic and relatable, the themes trackable throughout the novel, and the symbolism apparent to those who wanted to look for it.
The Novel
The finalized manuscript of Animus will likely be between 140,000 to 150,000 words. I tend to ramble over much in my descriptions, and I've learned where to cut back to keep up the flow of the story. Still, Xiaye experiences pain and grief the way I did. Darinrain, Notien, Saetyl, and Avenlae manifest behaviors of those who've survived the traumas of war, and Xiaye gradually learns of the pain they feel. She learns who she is and that she doesn't have to grieve alone. Creonex isn't only the story of warriors preparing for a final battle between Creation and Creator - it's also an intense journey of self-discovery and healing. It's me, Willow Grace, extending a hand out to my readers to show that they, too, don't have to be alone.
And now, this is me telling you that you can make something beautiful out of your pain. It might take a while, but that's okay. Life is unforgiving, but you don't have to let it be ugly. And this, too, may take a while, but there will come a time when it will be okay. You just have to be determined to walk the path to get there first. Let me be the first to offer a hand to help you on your way.
Lastly, because this was a heavy read, here's a picture of Tofu. Thank you for joining me on this journey, and I hope you'll stay for the whole trek!
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